Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Step Four: Salvation

Hailey came racing back to the car with two Louis Vuitton suitcases it tow. She pushes them into the back of the car.

“Peyton, Peyton, snap out of it!” She shouts, snapping her fingers in my face, bringing me back to reality.

“What… wha… hey Hail, your back!” I say happily, brushing the old memories from my mind.

“Guess what… I’m sleeping over!” She says with a grin as she puts the keys in the ignition, starts the car, and pulls away from her apartment.

“But what about Tommy and Jammer, those boys can’t take care of themselves.” I ask, Tommy was Hailey’s husband and ‘Jammer,’ was the nickname I had for Hailey’s five year old son, James.

“They will be fine, they’re going to a baseball game tonight anyway, and they can survive without me for a while.”

“Okay, so sleepover at my house, just like high school!”

“Yep! Just like high school!” Jessica says as we turn the corner and drive down the block. She turns into the parking garage and parks the car.

I head to the trunk and unload all the groceries I could carry. Jessica struggles to pull her suitcases from the back seat of her tiny BMW but eventually she gets them both out. She grabs the grocery bags I couldn’t carry and we walk to the elevator. We take the elevator up a floor and walked down the short corridor to my apartment. We struggled to get through the doorway and into my kitchen, but after a lot of work and dropping a lot of things, we made it.

I drop the bags on the kitchen table with a huff. Jessica drops her few grocery bags next to mine and goes to put her suitcases in my room. I find the ice cream and throw them into my over crowded freezer. I shove the door close, hoping that the door will stay closed. I open a cabinet and took out all the bowls I could find and lined them up on my counter. I looked at the pile of grocery bags, a feeling of fear entering my heart when I think about the mess that Hailey and I were about to make. I shove my hand into the pile and pull out the first bag I touch. I open it and spill its sugary contents into one of the many vacant bowls. I repeat the process until all that was left was empty bags and bowls filled with candy. I take the empty bags and recycle them, because I am eco friendly.

Hailey walks out of my room and into the living room wearing a silk tank-top and matching silk pajama pants. Hailey always needed to look good, being a store owner she was always on-top of the latest trends, even the messy knot of curly hair on top of her head looked good. I on the other hand didn’t especially care weather my pants were Gucci or Gaucho (even though I have never worn either pair in my LIFE). I would always put effort into what I wore… when I left the house, but when I was at home alone I didn’t care what I looked like.

Hailey ran into the kitchen and picked up a couple of bowls. Trying her best to keep from dropping any she slowly walked into the living room and placed them on the coffee table. I did the same; we repeated this process a few times, without dropping anything, until all the bowls had been transferred from the counter to the coffee table.

“Let me go change, and we can start” I said as I ran into my bedroom. I was in and out in less than a minute.

“Peyton. What the HELL are you wearing!?” Hailey asks as I immerge wearing a dark side of the moon t-shirt; which I got at a dark side of the moon concert with Devon, and a pair of blue flannel sorts.

“My pajamas…?” I respond, confused by the anger in her voice.

“No, no you are not! I remember that shirt from sophomore year! SOPHOMORE YEAR!” Hailey shouts, she doesn’t approve of me wearing last season’s clothes, and she defiantly does not approve of me wearing clothes that I got in high-school. Mainly because I still fit in mine and she doesn’t.

“Take it off!” She says, her voice stern, I could taste the anger in her words.

“What …?” I asked dazed and confused, I didn’t think I had done anything wrong.

“I said, take it off.”

I’m in so much shock to keep it on so, I take it off. I’m standing in the middle of my living room, with my best friend, in a bra and flannel pajama shorts. This is an awkward situation at best. Hailey hold out her hand.

“Give it to me,” she says her voice stern. She looks me in the eyes and I feel a sudden pain, her anger is radiating toward me.

“N… n…. NO!” I can feel my knuckles turn white as I clutch the shirt to my chest with all my strength. This shirt held some of my best memories. The good times I had with Devon, how happy he made me, how good it felt to be around him. But it also held some of the worst. The memories of the pain he put me through, the suffering, and then finally the heartbreak. He was the reason I gave up on love, and this shirt was a constant reminder of that.

“Peyton, give it to me,” I could hear the threatening tone in Hailey’s voice. Which is why I took a step forward, and then another, until all I had to do was stretch out my arms, and the shirt would be in Hailey’s hands. I slowly extended my shaking arms to give her the shirt. But before I knew it Hailey had grabbed it from my paralyzed hands. She dashed into the kitchen, found a pair of scissors and cut the shirt in half. Then, she broke my heart. She threw it in the trash.

I couldn’t do anything, not speak, not move, and worst of all… I couldn’t cry. Amazingly enough, there was one thing I could do, and I did it. I gave up.

Hailey walked over to me, and placed her hand on my shoulder. She looked into my eyes and said, her voice soothing like a lullaby, “Peyt, you can’t hold on to your past, Devon is gone, and he’s never coming back. If I’m going to help you, you’re gonna have to let go.”

I did what she said. I closed my eyes, and let go. I let Hailey direct me, I could feel her, but not see. My vision was gone. I could hear her open a drawer, and feel her pulling a t-shirt over my head. She moved my arms into the sleeves and then directed me to my bed. Then, everything is gone.

I open my eyes to the sound of papers moving, pages turning. My vision had returned. I turned my head and I saw Hailey looking through my notebook. The one that I hid in my nightstand, the one that contained every detail of every heartbreak.

“Give me that!” I shout as I lunge across my bed and snatch the book away from Hailey.

“Peyton those songs are amazing, when I read them I felt the emotion, and the passion. How come you never told me that you hurt this much?”

“I didn’t want to burden you; your life was going so great. You and Tommy were happier than ever and then when you had Jammer everything… everything just fell into place for you. I didn’t want you to know that my world was crashing down on me. These songs, there not that great, I just… I just write when I feel… I write when I feel.”

I knew what I was trying to say but the words wouldn’t come out. I was overrun with past emotions, I didn’t know if I could take it. I look around my room, trying my best to change the subject. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore then I had to.

“Hailey, its 6’oclock what the hell!?”

“Yeah… after I got rid of that shirt you kinda passed out… it was really weird actually…” She looks at me, grinning. I just shake my head, memories of the lost shirt spinning in my head.

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